


when i don't know myself

by actually_ihavenoidea



Series: this is real, this is me [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ADHD Character, Angst, Anxiety, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Hinata Shoyou has ADHD, Hurt No Comfort, kageyama is briefly mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:28:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26938915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actually_ihavenoidea/pseuds/actually_ihavenoidea
Summary: "He doesn’t really know who he is. And if he doesn’t know, then how can anyone else?Then again, that’s the point of the mask, isn’t it?"
Series: this is real, this is me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676263
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	when i don't know myself

**Author's Note:**

> October is ADHD awareness month! Maybe I can try and get another part of this series up this month. Who's to say? I have lots of ideas at least. 
> 
> Masking is this concept in which you hide or "mask" your natural personality, including behaviors, emotions, reactions, etc., in order to conform to society's ideal. It's usually caused by trauma, ranging from anything like rejection to abuse. The extent to which someone masks varies from person to person. 
> 
> Masking behaviors can be common amongst people with ADHD, but are by no means exclusive to people with ADHD. People with Autism also experience masking, for example, but people who have no formal diagnosis of any mental/behavioral disorder can also mask. It's common, especially in today's society.

Hinata likes taking showers. 

To clarify, he likes taking long showers at the end of the day. Showers after morning or afternoon practice and the ones Kageyama makes him take before they go out with friends or to special events don’t mean much to him. They’re just a part of his day he can’t always avoid. 

Showers at the end of the day though? When you know you don’t have to do anything afterwards but hang out and go to bed? Oh man, Hinata loves those showers. 

The buildup to taking one of those showers is sometimes pretty arduous, but once he’s in the shower, he feels better. 

The warmth on his back relaxes the near constant tension in his shoulders. The gentle rain-like sounds soothe and slow the stop and go traffic that directs his thoughts. 

No one bothers you in the shower. No one is around to even try. Yeah, maybe sometimes Kageyama bangs on the door and yells at him about running up their bill and wasting water. But that’s different. 

When Hinata is taking a shower, he doesn’t owe anyone anything. He doesn’t have to be anyone but himself. He doesn’t have to talk to anyone or think about anyone or do anything for anyone. 

In short, he can take off his mask. 

The carefully sculpted mask he wears daily gets hung up and aired out for a little while when he showers. He knows that as soon as he gets out of the shower, he has to force that same mask on again. So showering is his favorite part of the day because it’s the most freeing part of his day. 

Hinata can forget about the mask for a bit and block out the rest of the world in the steamy confines of his bathroom. He doesn’t have to sit still or bite his tongue from interrupting anyone. He can let his rapid-fire thoughts wander aimlessly from topic to topic without worrying about whether other people are following along. 

He can fully relax. He can fully embrace himself and all his quirks that no one else understands or cares to look at. Then, once he’s clean and refreshed, he doesn’t feel quite so bad putting the mask back on. 

For that precious, precious time that Hinata takes his shower, he is blissfully alone. 

Sometimes being alone though, fantastic as it may be, also stirs up troublesome thoughts. 

Why couldn’t he get to class on time, even when he takes every step to ensure that it happens? Why did he have so much trouble getting out of bed in the mornings, even when he got enough sleep the night before? Why did it take him twice as long to solve that math problem that the kid beside him solved in 3 seconds? 

Why did people get upset with him when he got a little too angry? Or a little too excited? Or a little to sad? It was just how he felt. 

Why was he so lazy? Why was he so stupid? Why was he so afraid of telling people how he felt? Why did he always feel like he was just outside of the circle, looking in, striving for understanding and a place in a world that’s blocked him out? Destined to forever be just a step behind everyone else. Why was he so worthless? 

On those days, when those troubling thoughts sprung up without his permission; the days when he couldn’t get himself to just stop thinking such awful thoughts? 

On those days, it was a little harder to put the mask back on. 

In fact, those days made him spiteful and resentful of that mask. 

That stupid, stupid mask. The one that hides his insecurities and ticks. It hides his natural reactions and feelings in favor of showing off the ones that society will accept. 

Sometimes, he looks at himself and decides he can’t tell what part of him is the mask and what part of him is _him._ What parts of him are real and what parts of him are because society wants him to be that way? It makes him angry. 

He doesn’t really know who he is. And if he doesn’t know, then how can anyone else? 

Then again, that’s the point of the mask, isn’t it? 

Hinata does have to relent a little though. The mask helps him sometimes. Keeps him safe. It keeps him from saying potentially rude or hurtful things, even if he may not understand why they’re rude or hurtful. It holds him in his seat when he’d rather be running around. It helps him listen to his friends and family without interrupting them, even though he really wants to talk about that one thing he did in class today. It tells him when it’s appropriate to laugh or cry or get angry, even if he doesn’t feel like it. It keeps his teachers and coaches from yelling at him for being disruptive or not paying attention, even when his brain is thinking about anything besides the topic at hand. 

This mask, carefully built and crafted after years of getting hurt or getting in trouble for doing things his way—the way that things make sense to him, the way that comes naturally—allows him to function in society without sticking out too much or causing too much trouble for himself and others. He has to acknowledge how the mask keeps him safe. 

But it also exhausts him. Every time he wants to do or say something, the mask tells him no. When the mask tells him no, he has to push down his wants and needs. The mask tells him he has to run and catch up, lest he be left behind. The mask tells him what to say, how to react, how to feel, but never explains why. 

The mask forces him to shove down his words and reactions and feelings deep into his body and mind and lock them up tight in an overflowing filing cabinet of behaviors and emotions and thoughts marked “unsafe, unwanted, unnecessary.” 

The filing cabinet is disorganized and messy and he has to use his whole body and then some to keep the drawer shut and frankly, he’s very tired. He wonders if anyone else feels this way. Does anyone else understand how tired he is? Has anyone else created a mask? Has anyone learned how to live without it? Could he do that too? 

Right now, the mask is in control. There’s nothing he can do about it yet. He’s not ready. Right now, the best option is to keep himself safe. If that means being anyone but who he innately is, then that’s fine. If that means that he never feels like himself around anyone else, then that’s okay. If that means going against all of his natural instincts, then that’s alright. If it means he doesn’t quite know or understand who he is, then so be it. 

It’s okay, because he is safe. 

The only time he’s safe without the mask is when he takes a shower. He is alone when he takes a shower. He isn’t obligated to anyone in the cherished and treasured time that he takes his shower. So he can take the mask off and he can relax and he can be himself and he can be safe. 

Maybe one day, Hinata can learn how to take the mask off outside the sanctity provided by his bathroom. But for now, Hinata really likes taking showers. 

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, masking behaviors are NOT exclusive to ADHD, nor is it experienced in the same way for everyone who masks.   
> I am writing specifically from my own perspective as someone with ADHD. 
> 
> If you have any questions or wanna chat or anything, feel free to hit me up on Twitter (@/noidea_actually) or Instagram (@/actually_ihavenoidea)
> 
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments always appreciated :)


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